Anything but a Winter Wonderland
by Ms.Sour
Summary: Pein has the afternoon to himself when Tobi knocks at the window very unexpectedly.
1. Tobi!

AHEM.

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS AN EVIL ORGANIZATION, CALLED AKATSUKI. YES, I KNOW SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE GASPING, BUT ITS TRUE. THEY WERE EVIL. THE WORST PART IS,

THEY TRIED TO RUIN---

-DRAMA-

-yawn-

CHRISTMAS!!!

Audience: ...You made us wait, for that?

Narrator: YESSUM. -evil glare-

Audience member: Well, that was twenty seconds of my life I'll never get back.

LALALA, LALALA, LALALALALA!

That was the way the children tried to sing, but failed miserably at. Pein took notice of this, in the fact that he had already bought some earplugs, pulled them out of his pocket, and shoved them up his ears. "Ahhh." He sighed in relief. The room in which he sat had a giant, black chair where Pein's butt resigned in, a fire place with a crackling fire going on in it, a couch tacky enough to belong to some random hillbilly cousin Pein had never heard of, and a few door ways, which led to the bathroom, various bedrooms, and a closet. He was the only one in the living room at the time, Hidan and Kakuzu were out on a mission. Deidara was sculpting in his 'secret' studio. Itachi was locked in his bedroom, as usual. Kisame was trying to count the number of specks on his popcorn ceiling. Zetsu was in his room...Konan was out shopping for who knows what. And Tobi --- where was Tobi? Ah, who cared? He was alone, with no noise blocking his train of thought.

Now he just needed a train of thought. What was something to think about? Glitter? Pine cones? ...Where Tobi might be? No. No Tobi. Tobi bad. Tobi equals chaos. ...But, if chaos is gone, without supervision, ...Does that mean chaos will ensue----His thoughts were now interrupted by banging at the window violently, but not hard enough to break through the glass.

"LEADER SAMA!!!" Tobi screamed.

Pein closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on a new train of thought.

"LEA-DER- SAH- MAAAAAH!" It was now distinctly clear it was Tobi, from the fact that he could break the sound barrier created by the ear plugs and screamed louder than them. Pein's eyebrow twitched.

"Evil thoughts, evil thoughts, evil--"

"LEADER!!"

"WHAT?!" Pein was swung his body so he was directly facing the window from the chair, and gasped in horror.

Tobi was naked. Down to the underwear.

"Wh--Wh---Wha--" Pein started to gasp.

"LET ME IIIIIIIINNNNN!" Tobi nearly banged on the window.

"BUT--YOUR---"

"FAN GIRLS-" Was all Tobi had to say before Pein's eyes widened more than regular eye sockets can contain, and bolted towards the door. Fan girls?! This time of year?! Have they no decency?! Pein was unlocking the many locks on the door while Deidara poked his head from the closet in the living room, his head draped half in an over sized coat. "Whats happening, un?" Was followed by gasps from the four mouths he owned.

"WHAT THE HECK---?!" Deidara didn't dare take a step from the closet. The fan girls would surely get him.

"PEIN!!!!" Deidara yelled from the pile of clothes, and some clay due to his 'studio'. Pein swung around. "WHAT?!" He was still busy unlocking the door.

"We need a strategy!!! They'll bust through if we don't do this carefully!!!" Deidara whispered. Pein stiffened, realizing what Deidara said was true.

Tobi's eye was now visible from under the mask. "SEMPAI?! LEADER?!" He was cold, helpless, and now, about to be tackled by dozens of fangirls.

"LOOK!" One screamed from the crowd.

"O - M - G! TOBI!!!" Some screamed, as one strange one called out, "TIDY WHITIES!!! THATS THE SIGN OF A GOOD BOY!!!" They formed into a giant hoard of massive destruction.

As in unison, everyone involved in this scene, Pein, Deidara, the fangirls, and Tobi all said,

"Oh---My----God----"


	2. Jigglypuff?

Itachi was not very pleased with all of the commotion going on and decided to take a look out of his heavily covered - in - black - curtains - window.

"What the hell--?" Itachi muttered as he saw the dozens of fangirls and Tobi barely clothed.

He decided it was time to go back to sleep.

xxx

Chapter Two.

Pein was frantically searching for something to distract them or hold the fangirls off, while Deidara scrambled to get out of the closet because he had gotten tangled in the giant coat that was once a top his head.

"OH MY GOD, THEY'VE GOT ME--" Deidara dillusioned, as Pein's eye twitched and kicked his head.

"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN-THING!!" Pein yelled at the teenager.

"Un..." Deidara knocked out from excitment. Pein's eyes widened again, and started shaking him viciously. "DEI-A-DAH-RAH!" He shook. "YOU - BETTER - WAKE - UP!"

Suddenly, Kisame decided to join the party.

"Whats going on?" The poor, clueless man asked, as Tobi shreiked one last: "SEMP--" and was glomped into submission. Kisame's eyes looked out the window, then back at Pein.

Pein stared at Kisame and quickly gave him the up-down. Kisame's whole body went into convulsions.

"You'll do..." Pein dropped Deidara and searched through the closet. "Get over here, see if this is your size---"  
Kisame was thoroughly freaked out.

x♥x

Konan was checking the price of some coffee at the local supermarket, reading the backs of the bags. Her eyes gazed up at the sign which read, "Coffee". Then it glanced at the following isles.

She was indeed in a supermarket.

"..." She stayed silent throughout her entire trip. Until the cashier asked if she wanted paper or plastic.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?!" She yelled at him.

"Jashin, this is boring..." Hidan was in a line across from her, Kakuzu paying. "Really, we got the mission done in like, five seconds. All I did was throw the guy off a cliff, I mean, why do we have to buy body bags?" He did say quite a few words in between those sentences, but for the sake of this chapter being fairly clean, I've taken the liberty of now replacing the F bomb with random things that start with the letter 'J'.

"Well, Hidan---" Kakuzu began to speak.

"I mean, what the Jam would we need them for if hes already off a Jock cliff?! If we wanted him alive, then maybe a body bag, but the mission called for us to Joking kill him."

Kakuzu was now very frustrated with the rant of Hidan. He tried to be a bit calm. "Hidan, we weren't supposed to ---"  
"AND ANOTHER JOLLYing THING!!!" Hidan screamed, this time making Konan and the other workers to glance.

"WHY ARE WE AT THIS JUSTICE STORE?! IT SUCKS JOSHING----" Hidan tried to think of a word so vile, that even the saltiest sailors would blush. He snarled. "Jigglypuff."

People started to shriek, become white in the face, become red in the face, some green in the face as Hidan muttered such an awful word. He was proud of himself, as Konan's jaw dropped and eyes twitched.

Kakuzu's pupils dialated, and fully grasped Hidan's ear. He whispered into it as Hidan made a struggle resisting. " What the hell made you think you could say that word in public? Hmm? Do you think you're amazing? Well, your NOT. You hear me? The reason we are buying body bags isn't because of the man, its because Zetsu called for some. Now, if you don't shut the Beef flavored Jerky up, I will personally have to buy more body bags because I've used these up. You understand me?" Kakuzu didn't even have to raise his voice, as Hidan's head jerked up and down in a nodding fashion.

"Good." Kakuzu's fist uncurled, letting Hidan's now half - deaf ear go free. Hidan tried to sooth it by petting it, but it just made the pain worse, and he shrieked from touching it.

Konan had witnessed it all, only about Fifty feet away from the incident. She grabbed her groceries as quickly as she could and walked out of the store into the cold winter snow.


	3. Sailor Kisame, reporting for duty!

Zetsu was in his room, trying to meditate when he became really really thirsty. "Hmm..." Zetsu opened one eye.

"Maybe I could get some juice?"

His other eye opened.

"Oh heck no, boy. We need some blood, and fast."

"But how?" Zetsu questioned himself.

"Hm..." His other side thought.

"Maybe...Tobi isn't such a good boy?" Zetsu slapped himself at the thought.

"Mmm..." Perhaps...Kisame? No. Too much fat. Mmm...Deidara? No...He was too crunchy...He wouldn't even think about eating Pein san...And he knew Konan, Hidan, and Kakuzu were gone. ...Itachi?

xxx

Chapter Three.

Kisame was now dressed in a Japanese school girl uniform.

"WHAT THE HE--I MEAN--WHAT THE--" Was all Kisame would repeat, as he stared at himself, and blushed. "WHY AM I IN THIS?!" He thought that the blue skirt he was wearing was too short and tried to tug down at it.

"Well---" Pein started to say, " Its really Deidara's, but---"

"DEIDARA'S?!" Kisame yelled in a high pitch shriek, then backed off a bit. "Dei--Deidara's?" He repeated.

"Yeah, his Halloween costume. "

Kisame sighed in relief.

"Remember the Halloween where we all went trick-or-treating except for you?" Pein questioned as if Kisame suddenly appeared in a memory he wasn't invited to.

"...No..." Kisame let go of the skirt.

"Well, Deidara went as Sailor Moon." Pein stated, as Kisame gave him an odd look.

"Really, now?" Kisame asked.

"Well, really there was a cosplaying contest." Pein's eyes wandered.

There was there an awquard silence, as various "OUGHS!" and "OUCHIES!" coming from outside, and Deidara's unconscious body was still on the ground...Unconscious.

Pein coughed, and Kisame looked away, down at his ballet shoes that matched his 'bedazzled' skirt. Kisame started to have a sneeze attack, and each time Pein told him, "Kazoomtight."

After ten minutes of repeating this pattern, both got the courage to open their mouths but, unfortunately Itachi decided to wake up and see what exactly was going on. Walking down the stairs, he saw his comrade dressed in a School Girl outfit with Pein about to say something, but Pein stopped. The three stood there in an awquard silence, as Itachi began to make his way but up the stairs, as Pein called, "WAIT!"

x♥x

Hidan and Kakuzu were now at the edge of a very steep cliff on which, only less than two hours ago, a man had 'accidentally' fallen from to his death. Hidan gulped as he looked at how far down it went. "K-Kakuzu? Do we have to get the Jealousing body?" He half whimpered.

Kakuzu did a slight nod, which Hidan buried his head in his knees. No one knew this, but Hidan had a deathly fear of heights. He tried not to show it, but he couldn't help it now. He was trying to stay within his character, so he stayed towards the edge of the cliff, but not close enough to accidentally slip and fall. The thought of this actually made him lose his balance and land on his butt. Kakuzu suspected something was wrong, and started to question Hidan.

"Are you okay?" Kakuzu asked.

"Y-Yeah---" Hidan looked over the cliff.

"You know, this is your fault, " Kakuzu was unwrapping a body bag. "You didn't have to over - kill him by beating him till he was crippled and THEN throwing him off a cliff..." Kakuzu had successfully unraveled the bag.

"Now," Kakuzu held out the bag towards Hidan, "Zetsu requested for the body once we were done because he hasn't had anyone plump enough to eat lately. Get him out of there before it starts to sno---CRAP." Kakuzu's gaze had averted to the sky from where little white flakes appeared from. He cursed from under his breath. "Okay, now you need to really hurry." Kakuzu snapped. Hidan hadn't really been paying attention. He just was staring straight down into the giant ditch.

"Hello?" Kakuzu waved a hand in front of Hidan, but it didn't seem to phase him. "HELLO?" He slapped Hidan. As if in a daze, Hidan awoke with vengence in his voice.

"WHAT THE JERRY SEINFELD WAS THAT FOR?!" He exclaimed.

It took Kakuzu back a bit, but he didn't care. Kakuzu sighed. "You know what? If you really cannot stand heights, " Kakuzu presumed, " Then we can go get a new body...But we need to do it fast. ---" Kakuzu was suddenly hugged.  
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou----"


	4. Suckra

Konan's trip home was quite quiet, in fact, the snow was starting to fall where she was, too. Even though there was additional snow on the floor, to begin with. Konan kept trudging along, although her coat was getting wet, and her boots were soggy. She came across a fork in the road, which she had never seen before.

"eh?" She questioned. She had never gone down this path before. She thought of going back, but if she didn't know where she was now, what was the use? She decided to take a right, just to see where it led.

x♥x

Chapter Four

Kakuzu and Hidan were now in the middle of a crowd in the middle of some random, yet what seemed to be very popular town. "New body---New---Body---" Hidan kept repeating.

"Stop saying that, it sounds like your Orochimaru." Kakuzu snapped. "What we need is a---"

"Pwease, Mistah? " Kakuzu looked down at what was tugging at his sleeve. His eyes revealed a small girl, no older than eight and came to about his thigh. Her hair was oily black, and her eyes were giant. You could barely even tell she was a girl under her mangled rags she called clothes.

"What do you want?!" Hidan snapped quickly.

"Uh...Well," She began. "Its Chwistmas Eve, and Heim doesn't have anything to eyat." She couldn't even pronounce her words correctly, but somehow, Kakuzu found that adorable, while Hidan was thinking; "The idiot. Can't even speak her own language correctly..."

"You know, " Hidan squatted to her level so they made eye contact. " I think-- That you don't even want to see New Years."

The girl who pronounced herself in the third person as 'Heim' was silent.

"I think---you want to get away from all your troubles...I can give that to you---" Hidan extended his hand, as Heim quickly took it. In exchange, Kakuzu gave a look of shock. He knew for a fact this wasn't the real Hidan...

"What are you doing?!" Kakuzu asked.

Hidan turned happily, and whispered, " A new body for Zetsu!" He gleefully said as he got his head knocked in by Kakuzu.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND---!?" Kakuzu then realized this was probably normal Hidan.

Hidan lifted Heim by her wrists. "You can't tell me you have compassion for this girl?" Hidan stared at her in disgust. " I mean, look at her!!! She'll never make a good maid--" For this, Hidan's head was busted back in again, but eventually rehealed itself.

x♥x

"Help with WHAT?!" Itachi's voice was actually quite uncertain, and frightened.

"We need to distract the fan girls so they won't kill Tobi--" Kisame pulled at the skirt he was wearing trying, to make it longer. Pein slapped Kisame's hands, and waved a finger in front of his face. "Tsk, Tsk!"

Itachi was backing up, as Kisame started to scream, "NO! DON'T YOU DARE GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM--"

"Whats all the noise, un?" Deidara's body was still underneath the over sized Zetsu coat, and his head was popping from it. "Who turned out the lights? Is it bed time again--?" Deidara kept sputtering random words, still very tired.

Pein looked over towards the closet. "Deidara! Just in time!" He leaped toward where he was laying, and quickly removed the coat from his face.

"Un?"

"Deidara, we need you! Quickly, get into a random girl costumes so the fan girls will go insane!" Pein quickly explained, holding up two costumes. "Panda, or Tiger?!" Pein asked.

This gave the very tired Deidara an idea. "ITS THE --- EYE OF THE TIGER, ITS THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT---" Deidara began to yell-sing. It wasn't considered singing, more like yelling into a microphone. Sort of like Heavy Metal, except with no bass.

Itachi made a strange face. "Do---You still need me?" He asked.

"YES!!!" Pein hissed, trying to stuff Deidara into the tiger suit.

"Is there any point in doing this? " Kisame asked, walking towards the window to gasp in horror. The mob of girls had built a giant throne made of complete ice. Tobi was atop, tied to a chair, tape across his eye hole. These girls were serious. Kisame's head turned, jaw dropping, and eyes quivering in fear. "I--Itachi san---Leader san---" Kisame motioned toward the window. Both weary, they cautiously approached the window, and gasped as they saw dozens of girls now preparing a giant barbecue pit, which they didn't want to know what it was used for, and an additional throne.

"WHOS THEIR LEADER?!" Itachi asked, now very, very scared.

"...Suckra..." Pein whispered under his breath.


End file.
